You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
