My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
