sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
