when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
