All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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