you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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