WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
