i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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