Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
