So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
