You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
