I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
false alarm, still single
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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