You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
