sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize