guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
