yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i came on her dog
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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