what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
