Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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