I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
