Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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