You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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