if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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