seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
