Will you blow on my dice?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
