I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
