Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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