PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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