So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just pee around me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
