Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
