I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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