just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize