Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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