The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
