I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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