I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
