There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
