anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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