loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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