Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize