how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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