you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
