I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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