I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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