wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
