I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
