I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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