So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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