I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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