i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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