I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
