she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
