She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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