His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
