First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
