The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
