i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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