shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
