my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
