So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Let's get the cat blown out
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
