There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
