I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
